Not Knowing
by brokenbeautifultragic
Summary: You have no idea what to do
1. Chapter 1

**Hey everybody! I'm new here, this is my first fic although not my first time reading them. You have no idea how long it's taken me to figure this site out! What is with all the confusing buttons? Or is that just me? Probably, I'm a weirdo! Yah, so please give this a chance because I know some people don't read new author's fics. I won't be able to post stuff regularly, I kinda have a lot going on at the moment! Still, if you like this then please leave a review cause I appreciate them so much! And don't hesitate to PM me or anything if you have any questions about anything! Thanks! Bye! ~Anna xx **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rizzoli and Isles, no matter how nice it may be :P**

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You have no idea what to do.

It's a question that has been swirling around your head ever since he asked:_ what should I do? _It should be easy, right? You should know what you want, you almost always have. Yet this is different. Completely and utterly different. It's not simple as the question of four words makes itself out to be. It really isn't.

It's not a matter of what you want. There's also the matter of your career, of your best-friend, of your family, of your friends. It's not just you who will have to deal with a big change if you say yes. Every time you close your eyes and think about what to do, you see your best-friend's face when you told her, you see how her big brain was trying to analyse what you had just said. How she was trying to make sense of what you were saying. And (even if this seems a little selfish) how this would affect her.

When you were little, you never fantasised about getting married. You thought of it sure, but it was a fleeting thought, occurring once every few months when you saw a picture of a bride and tried to imagine you in a flowing white dress. You thought about it as often as you thought about being a mother, which was just as rare. Yet now you're older, you no longer keep putting it off because one day, you'll run out of time.

Perhaps you already have.

You love him, you really do and your head is screaming _marry him _and you're not quite sure you want to ignore it. Your heart, however, is telling you something entirely different and the two voices in your head shouting opposite things makes you want to scream or sob into a pillow. Why oh why can't your heart and your head ever work together and say the same thing.

You've never really lived by one or the other. With your job, it's a combination of both that gets you through the day, helps you solve cases and makes you successful. With your personal life, you almost always rule with your head. Your head is safer. It's sensible, logical and much more reliable than your heart. It's much easier to break your heart than it is your head.

Why can't your life ever be simple? Of course, to be fair, your life has not been that tragic or that disturbed. Lots of people have to deal with cheating fathers and overbearing mothers and little brothers who will not _stay out of trouble _no matter what you do. The only deeply tragic and disturbing thing you have faced is your run-in with a serial killer who you will not even think about his name because bile creeps into your throat otherwise.

And then there's this. This mess of emotions and logic. You can almost hear your biological clock ticking away, counting down the seconds until you have nothing left. Saying no would be so easy, you could almost move on and pretend nothing ever happened. Yet could you really do that? Could you really throw away what could be a perfectly lovely, happy and stable life?

You don't know, and not knowing has never, ever been more terrifying.


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm glad some of you pointed out that this would be better with a second chapter, after reading over the first one, I realised that it was too open ended. Thank you so much for your kind reviews! Oh my gosh, I love you all so freaking much! Eeep! Sorry for the late update, I had schoolwork for ages and then hospital check-ups and blood-tests and yada yada yada. I hope you like this one ~Anna x x x**

You spend your nights (or most of them anyway) sitting on the sofa with your dog and your television tuned to mindless sitcoms.

You spend your days at work and you have not taken a sick day or any type of day in ages. At work, you work, with nothing special to look forward to going home to at the end of the day.

It should be an easy decision, right?

Wrong.

There is absolutely nothing easy about it. Your head is swirling and every time you sleep all you see is yourself making the wrong decision but you don't even know what decision you're making. You wake up bathed in cold sweat and wondering what on earth could have possible made you so afraid.

It isn't that you don't want to marry him. That's not the reason for your delay. It's just that you don't want to be trapped into something you cannot get out of; you don't want to be backed into the proverbial corner. You're a free spirit and you have been trapped enough times in your life to know that it is not a pleasant feeling.

Maybe that's what you need? Stability. A good kind of trapped. You need something in your life that will not whirl around and change. Except the detective part of you knows how many marriages end badly, how things are not so black and white when the walls are spattered with red. And that, you think, is what you are deathly afraid of. If you were to say yes then it would have to work. It would have to.

One afternoon you are sitting alone in your apartment, watching television, having a rare Saturday afternoon off. Suddenly, an advert flashes on the screen, announcing in white and pink, that there is a 10% sale on wedding dresses at a bridal shop in downtown Boston. The word 'wedding' echoes around your head, bouncing and swirling until you can no longer make sense of anything.

You clumsily drop your beer and the bottle breaks on the floor, sloshing its contents. You don't make a move to pick it up. Instead you sit numb, staring at the television screen even though the advert is long gone. You only move when you feel your beer start to seep into your socks.

Once you've cleaned up and replaced your beer, you reach blindly for your cell phone and hit '1' on the speed dial. It rings for a few moments and suddenly your heart jumps into your throat and you have no idea what to say.

"Hello?" the person on the other end says and you almost, very nearly back out of what you're going to say.

"Hey," you say; your voice more gravelly than normal.

"Jane. What's up?" Their voice is so soothing, so familiar. It's like a warm blanket on a cold day, an ice-cube to a sore throat, company to someone who is so very lonely.

You take a deep breath and say, "I know what I'm going to do."


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello again. Sorry to keep you waiting but everything has been a bit crazy since the last time I updated. I loved Christmas though! I'm going home! Well, just for a weekend in February and not even where I used to live. I'm going to Belfast. Still, it's home. I'm sorry if this isn't what you expected. I had some trouble deciding what I was going to do. However, I don't write to please you but I do try to accommodate everyone's wishes. Please leave a review on the way out. Thank you! ~Anna xoxo**

Some days you get up in the morning and feel brilliant.

Some days you get up in the morning and instantly want to fall back asleep.

Your days haven't changed since from before 'the choice' as you've so creatively dubbed it, but somehow you feel lighter. Freer, if that is even a word. As if somehow, someone has lifted the weight from your shoulders. All of a sudden you are seeing the green leaves in the morning, hearing the birds chirp and feeling a whole lot better than you did.

You get up and make breakfast for yourself for once, instead of making just coffee. Then you have a long shower and get dressed, deciding that you'll maybe wear something different today. Then you Skype Casey for a while and you comment on how the sun suits him. Then you drive to work and solve cases, saving the world one homicide at a time.

Maybe you'll sell your apartment. You're starting to get a little sick of the place. You meant to move after the whole debacle with Hoyt but then you never got around to it. Your mom might help you, she'd like that. She's been wanting to help you will a lot more lately and maybe you'll let her. It's time you start repaying her.

One day you interview a witness with big brown eyes and a soft voice. The witness grasps your hand across the table and tearfully tells you not to wait too long to marry the one you love. Really old Jane would have forgotten her words before she even got home, old Jane would have taken it as a sign but new Jane thinks about her words and then brushes them off. You've made your decision.

It doesn't matter what you do during the day, or at night for that matter. You're always so very glad to look down at your finger and to see no ring sparkling back at you.


End file.
